Without really intending to, I seem to have emabarked on another stint of long-term chastity. It’s now been five weeks, and of course I’m raging with horniness. Factor into this the reappearance of an old online master whose essential principle is that a sub-boy should be in a permanent state of arousal, and you can see why this is now turning into a period of some intensity.
Prior to all this, I’d already had a few email exchanges with Master69 (as I used to call him on here in the period when he dommed me). But then, probably after reading my last post, he wrote offering to take me on again online for a while. What that means is still evolving. Whereas last time round, in the twenty-teens, we soon reached quite a strict and formalised agreement – complete with slave contract and a commitment to online ownhership – now, a few years on, though still only a few days in, it all seems more fluid. We seem to have an intuitive understanding of what the roles are and what kinds of behaviour and demands are appropriate. Master69’s main requirements are for me to produce a daily report, write him erotic stories (I sense one is going to appear on here quite soon), and make an inviolable commitment to not cumming. In some ways, his role feels more like a coach on whatever stage of my sub-odyssey this now is. Last time, I learnt a great deal from him about being a sub/slave. This time, I sense there’s more to come.
One of the things that’s surfaced in our communications has been the idea of mind fucking. And chastity is one of the things Master69 is using to mind-fuck me with. There’s the obvious mind fuck of chastity – that the slave desires the frustation of his own desire to cum. This I’ve learnt to handle and savour over the years. So when Master69 adds another 30 days to my potential cum date, bringing the target to 60 (sometime later in February), I don’t feel fazed. I could just relax into that timescale, knowing when and how it will end. But then there are a couple of further mind-fucking twists. One: that this is the earliest date I might expect to cum (it could well be extended). Two (and somewhat contradictorily): that my master reserves the right to order me to cum at any time and in any way he requires. Consenting to this means that I can look forward to neither cumming nor not cumming: there’s no ground on which my desires can stand. It’s all so disorientating, but, hey, a mind fuck is still a fuck.
Looking back through this blog and through the backstory of my online correspondence with Master69, I read time and again of a highly sexed-up slave boi who can’t stop thinking about and looking for sex, especially BDSM sex – and occasionally finding it in the flesh (did I mention L? That’s another encounter to post about sometime). In some ways I’m apalled at my own readiness to fall in with desire to the point where I can hardly think straight, or where I take time away from doing other, on the face of it more wholesome things. More seriously still, I don’t like the fact that I’ve kept so much of my BDSM life (or at least the detail of it) secret from my partner. Even though he knows I have these inclinations, and is kind of OK about me acting on them, it’s the sheer extent and depth of them that he might be dismayed at (my love, if ever you read this, forgive me).
In the light of all of this, I could be tempted – once again – to pull the plug on it all; to break out of chastity, cum regularly, become ‘normal’ again, take down my Recon profile again etc. etc. You’ll see from this, I’ve done it before. But this time there’s a voice in my head that says Don’t GIve Way; hold fast to your desires. This means enduring both the joy and torment – in the hope of what? In the hope that something might emerge from it – perhaps a deeper ownership of who I am, and of my carnality and physicality. Already I feel a bit different. I’ve returned to swimming with greater energy, and in the last two days have clocked up 50 lengths, where I used to do just 30-odd. And I’ve found myself beginning to desire my partner again, to enjoy looking at him and feeling the contours of his body, to savour the smoothness of his skin.
TIme will tell. I may cave in. The pack of cards may get reshuffled. But for now I choose to continue inhabiting my desire.
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