Online mix

I spent a lot of this weekend online holding horny conversations with other BDSM-ers – too much time really. But it did in the end have an outcome, even if the moral of the story is that it’s all getting a bit compulsive, and that I really need to cut back. Three guys I spent a lot of time chatting to encapsulate the dynamic mix of the weekend.

First, W: an older master from New Jersey, but a pretty fit one at that – one of those old professionals in leather, whose years of experience form an alluring part of their erotic attraction. He sends me regular pics of himself and his subs from hot scenes in his dungeon, many of them involving flogging – at which he is clearly a master. He even Photoshopped a pic from my own profile (from a scene I did last year) and made it look so hot I thought it was the nearest I’ll ever come to looking like an S & M pornstar (readers, you can judge for yourselves!).

W is such an intoxicating mix of the tough and the tender, that it makes me want to buy myself some chaps and an air ticket to his dungeon before the Summer’s out. The things he excites in me are (a) the possibility of a long, artfully paced flogging that could really get me to fly in some ultimate, transcendent state of S & M ecstasy (I know, it probably only exists as a fantasy); and (b) some yearning I hadn’t fully admitted to before for a master who is both powerful and would in some way take care of me (aah, in a fatherly kind of way – there I’ve admitted it!).

Second, there was S, my ‘slave brother’ who I mentioned in my last post. For him, chastity is a way of life, and certainly the way he seems to want to go permanently. Already nearly 80 days into his current bout of chastity (well with a little break, I think), he has two months or so to go under an online master from the far East who seems to dom him daily. This made my chastity-for-the-weekend stint look a little feeble. Still I have done much longer in the past, and in the end S got me to commit to a fortnight going orgasm free – and in an interesting way: he put me on to the website Lockedmen.net, where I duly set myself up a profile.

Locked Men is a great site, which has just about every resource a man-on-man chastity type could want. On it you can say when your latest stint began, how long you’re committing to doing, and who the in-person or online keyholder is. So I set up my 14-day stint, and found it kinda horny to be able to name S as my online keyholder – connection!

This was all a great way to bond with S, though the twist here is that in the end I kind of let him down through an unexpected contingency arising from my third online guy – I’ll call him JoSkin. I described a conversation with him in an earlier post – about his attention to the kind of protocol where a slave may not refer to himself (itself!) in the first person, or as as ‘he’ (only ‘it’, lower case). I had been hoping for a meet with JoSkin on the way down or back from my weekend away; but it looked like he wasn’t going to be around to host. He did find a way to dom me online, though, throughout much of Sunday (when I really should have been doing some stuff for work) – not only giving me things to do, but also getting me to send him photographic evidence.

One of those pics was of me with ‘JoSkin’s slave’ written across my chest. I’ve never graffitised myself before and found it hugely arousing. Even slept with it that way, only washing it off this morning. And having just done that, by some bizarre irony, I get a message from JoSkin saying he’s changed his arragnements and could do a session after all. Rapid change of plan, then; and we set the scene up. This includes my (re-)writing ‘JoSkin’s slave’ on my chest again – this time I get most of the charcters the right way round (it’s not as easy as it looks, writing on yourself – try it!).

So the scene happened. I won’t describe the details here (if you want to know, just ask). But suffice it so say, it was pretty hot, I got well into slave mode, and it did climax in the time-honoured way. I was a bit hesitant about confessing about this to S afterwards. But he was pretty decent about it – after telling me that I should regard the 100+ strokes I got from JoSkin’s flogger and paddle as a punishment from S himself for allowing myself to cum! Fair enough. We have now reset the counter, with the very modest goal of me getting to Sunday without orgasm.

Hopefully I can manage this! But interestingly, the very mixed BDSM dynamic of this weekend has taught me that maybe it’s good not to get too fixated either way. Sure, long-term chastity can keep you on a high, filled with testosterone and God knows what other hormones in the biochemical soup. But the post-ogasmic reconnection with one’s body – that state of relaxedness – is a pretty good feeling too. Both are ways to keep the body and mind as one (or closer to that ideal), and maybe we shouldn’t deny ourselves either.

Something for the weekend …

I’m away for the weekend by myself, so thought I might spend two or three days in my CB3000 – which I haven’t worn in a while. Actually the idea was put into my head while online to another sub guy – S – I sometimes chat to (who once touchingly referred to me as his ‘slave brother’). And then i also ran the idea past K, with whom I also have raunchy online chats (I wrote in an earlier post about the week I dommed him online, after which we switched and I experienced a thrilling week of being doomed by a top who could be tender and aggressive by turns – maybe more of that in another post). K definitely thought caging me would be a good idea – ‘Mmmm god thats a hot thought’ he texted; and then, ‘ Yes! Want u to be denied’. Being denied – i just love that! That active sense of someone intervening – their will over mine.

Confession as Eros?

In a comment to my last post, KC asks ‘How much is confession of what is, and how much is confession creating what is?’. A probing question, and a good point. If I’ve read him correctly, he’s right. To make a confession of something one is – in this case my deep sub self – is also, through the very act of speaking (or writing) it, to become it further. It feels like another aspect of the surrender.

When I’m physically on my knees, restrained, and awaiting a master’s action – for him to use me how he wants, for his pleasure – I feel I have given him my self – maybe not totally, since there is (in any sane BDSM relationship) always a negotiation of limits; but certainly enough to feel I have placed myself in his hands. In fact when restrained maybe this is in effect total, since, if a master chose to, he could literally do just about anything he wanted with me. This total surrender, with my self open, exposed, given up, is probably the erotic core of BDSM. (The drive is perhaps indeed towards totality, even if this remains at some level an ideal. You often hear the phrase ‘no limits sub’ – a fantasy of course, but this perhaps captures something that is perhaps in every sub’s being: just to give up everything.)

But articulating all this – declaring, confessing it – is, as KC implies, also part of surrendering; which is probably why writing this blog has become an integral part of my life as a sub. Telling the world how it is to be this way is also a kind of erotic experience (I notice a slight damp patch in my pants that has developed while writing this!).

Neither is this experience total, of course. I need the liberating veil of anonymity in order to be so candid, and couldn’t be as ‘out’ a BDSM-er in my everyday, vanilla life. But, there too, the need occasionally to discuss this with people I trust is important – part of trying to become a single, integrated individual. There the accompanying feeling is less erotic (less exhibitionist!), but still salutary. And perhaps both forms of unconcealing are some way spiritual.

Naked …

Sometimes I feel contented with vanilla life and look on my BDSM inclinations with a certain kind of equanimity. Then sometimes they grow again inside me and the yearning to feel a master’s power just becomes overwhelming. Like Now. Today I added to my web profile – in capitals: I AM A SUB TO THE CORE. I AM NOTHING WHEN I AM NOT SERVING A MASTER – EITHER IN THE FLESH OR ONLINE.

This feels like a confession. A stripping away of layers. So I confess too that writing it, putting it in the public domain somewhere, and re-reading it also make my cock harden.

All this is a kind of nakedness – perhaps more so than mere physical nakedness. And that’s also largely why I blog: in some way, to be seen; to show this fundamental part of myself. To my readers, and followers especially: thank you for your witness. It means much to me. x

 

Topping times

This last week I have inadvertently become an online Top! OK, so this has happened me before – just once, and not all that intensely. But this time has been different: with a guy, K, who, although describing himself as versatile on his web profile, is probably more of a Dom (and by the looks of it quite an aggressive one). So in the first few online exchanges we had, the play was basically what you’d expect – me the sub being very subby, and giving a very big come on for a scene being dominated.

But at some point quite early on, the dynamic changed. K was I think having fun edging himself and somehow – picking up on just the merest bit of Dom playfulness from me – he ended up getting me take to take charge. I think we both thought this might go on just for that day, but in fact for the best part of a week now we’ve both gotten seriously into our unexpectedly reversed roles.

I’ve always thought that if ever I did get into topping other guys I’d probably be a pretty demanding Master – since that’s the kind of top I look for as a sub. But I’ve still been surprised at the extent of my own dom-ness. All week I have had K edge himself relentlessy, and have repeatedly denied him orgasm. For a guy who likes to cum at least twice a day – and more when he’s home alone – this must have been hell. But what’s been touching is the way that he’s taken it – as well as some of the other stuff I’ve meted out on him online (which, even more humiliatingly for him, a top in his own right, he’s had to inflict on himself). We’ve also worked up some pretty hot fantasy scenes in our exchanges – if only we had a place we could both meet to do all this in the flesh!

But we’ve both enjoyed it hugely, and despite the fact that none of this, alas, has taken place face to face, we seem to have developed a strong connection. To the extent that sex is in the head, I feel we’ve actually been having a week long sub-Dom session, and an intense one at that. We’ve neither of us cum the entire time. Him because that’s what I require. Me because that’s what I choose. So we’re both on the roof with horniness.

And something odd seems to have happened to me. The constant horny feedback, and the sheer pleasure of it all and of K’s responsiveness, has started to rewire my brain. Little by little, my sub-boi has turned me into a Master!

I don’t see this as a permanent shift, but it’s been good for me I think. Perhaps what really matters in a sub-Dom relationship is that the two parties between them create a buzzing axis of power and Eros. In one sense maybe it doesn’t matter which pole you’re creating the energy from: so long as both are putting energy in, the energy flows constantly back and forth, and builds. But having to top has drawn out of me a more active ‘Yang’ type energy, which I haven’t exercised for a long time; perhaps I’ve been in deep sub mode for so long that I’ve got a bit lazy. And as an interesting by-product my sexual feelings for my bf feel like their also beginning to grow again.

So I see this as all good – another part of a necessary journey. But now here’s a funny thing. K and I are due to switch roles tomorrow. (I was minded to do it sooner, but he persuaded me a couple of days to keep going a bit longer; maybe he’s a power bottom!). But the bizarre thing is, I can’t right here and now imagine myself subbing for him any more. The connection we’ve developed has been really strongly based on the roles as they’ve been this week, and I’m no longer sure of whether I can find my way back into sub space. And maybe the same goes for him, only the other way round.

Anyway, tonight I will still have one final piece of masterly satisfaction. K is finally going to be allowed to cum – but my way. I have left him detailed instructions about how he’s to carry out the grand climax to this week of orgasm denial. In essence he is to have a spoiled orgasm. Even as he cums then, he will cum as a sub boi: denied his full measure of pleasure. In my final gift to him as his Master I am going to tenderly fuck his mind.