Temptation

Lately I’ve been flirting a bit with cam sex. Although I had a bad experience with this kind of thing two, nearly three years ago, I’ve subsequently relented a bit on the embargo I imposed on myself immediately after that time. In recent weeks this hasn’t amounted to much more than the odd lunchtime quickie cam wank – better than doing it on your own, and it can be fun. But the other day, sort of despite myself, I found myself getting drawn into doing something approaching a full-on BDSM scene on webcam.

The top was a younger guy – attractive and demanding. Because I was pushed for time, the whole thing went fast. Too fast for me to process really. On a first session in particular you need time to check in with your feelings, and judge whether you’re comfortable doing what you’re being asked to do. At a key point, the scene collapsed. I realised I’d reached a limit, and fell out of sub-space. The guy was OK about it. Said it would be better ‘next time’.

Afterwards I felt pretty traumatised, and did what I sometimes do on these occasions: close  my BDSM window – took this blog off line, made my Gaydar and Recon accounts invisible.  Just an instinctive response to protect myself when feeling vulnerable. And with this went a resolve to be a better partner to my domestic partner – to try and unattach a bit from my kinkster self.

But this guy has got under my skin. Twice today I’ve run up against him: once in a Gaydar chatroom (in the end I couldn’t keep away); a second time, tonight, on Skype instant text messenger. Although it’s been me that’s gone into those spaces, it’s been him that’s made the first move. He’s keen.

I’m trying to tell myself to let it go. I feel anxious in his online presence, largely because he pushes quite hard, wants me to commit, to be one of his several sub bois. A key problem is that I don’t know whether I can trust him. He kind of gets this, and has reassured me I can. But how can you be sure when the whole thing is online? When you can’t read the body language close up, can’t smell someone’s intent? The whole cam thing is just so risky, and yet I want it.

How does he create this allure? In one sense it’s obvious. He’s younger, attractive, and in his own words ‘bloody good’ at being a dom. That much I got from our fast, abortive session the other day. He has a kind of strictness that both scares me and turns me on; and it’s probably the heady combination of those things that makes it so high octane. But maybe there’s also some subliminal connection that’s more elusive. I’m impressed (probably the right word) by the way he’s so quick off the mark to try and capture me. He wants it too.

I haven’t felt this kind of attraction and temptation for a long time – such a dislocation between my head and my cock. I don’t know where it will go.