Confession as Eros?

In a comment to my last post, KC asks ‘How much is confession of what is, and how much is confession creating what is?’. A probing question, and a good point. If I’ve read him correctly, he’s right. To make a confession of something one is – in this case my deep sub self – is also, through the very act of speaking (or writing) it, to become it further. It feels like another aspect of the surrender.

When I’m physically on my knees, restrained, and awaiting a master’s action – for him to use me how he wants, for his pleasure – I feel I have given him my self – maybe not totally, since there is (in any sane BDSM relationship) always a negotiation of limits; but certainly enough to feel I have placed myself in his hands. In fact when restrained maybe this is in effect total, since, if a master chose to, he could literally do just about anything he wanted with me. This total surrender, with my self open, exposed, given up, is probably the erotic core of BDSM. (The drive is perhaps indeed towards totality, even if this remains at some level an ideal. You often hear the phrase ‘no limits sub’ – a fantasy of course, but this perhaps captures something that is perhaps in every sub’s being: just to give up everything.)

But articulating all this – declaring, confessing it – is, as KC implies, also part of surrendering; which is probably why writing this blog has become an integral part of my life as a sub. Telling the world how it is to be this way is also a kind of erotic experience (I notice a slight damp patch in my pants that has developed while writing this!).

Neither is this experience total, of course. I need the liberating veil of anonymity in order to be so candid, and couldn’t be as ‘out’ a BDSM-er in my everyday, vanilla life. But, there too, the need occasionally to discuss this with people I trust is important – part of trying to become a single, integrated individual. There the accompanying feeling is less erotic (less exhibitionist!), but still salutary. And perhaps both forms of unconcealing are some way spiritual.