Losing my cock. Losing my humanity?

For the first time in months, last night my bf and I had sex – kind of; with mixed results – and this has left me / us in a funny place. Even though I’d thought that I’d wanted to return to sexual relations more than he did, last night it was in fact he who initiated sex, he who got most satisfaction, and he who came. I’ll spare the details here, but the crucial thing for me was that I wasn’t able to get hard at all. Even so, I gave myself to him and tried to make sure he had as enjoyable a time as possible. It felt a bit like time travelling – to our earlier selves, when we were much more sexually active together. And afterwards it did feel intimate as I rubbed his cum into my torso (something I always loved to do) and we cuddled together somewhat sleeplessly.

But the elephant in the room was/is my flaccid cock. It’s true I’ve been experiencing mild erectile dysfunction for some time, but have usually managed to keep my cock serviceable by some permutation of a cock ring, manual stimulation or Viagra. And given that much of my BDSM life lately has involved pretty intense chastity (if not physically locked then mentally consenting to my Master’s denial), it’s not been a major issue. But last night, when I needed it to, my cock just didn’t co-operate at all, and I’m now mulling over what that means.

It could be that my bf and I have got so unused to having sex together that I need longer to tune in (typically, the whole thing was a bit fast and furious). So maybe one way forward here is to keep a sense of humour and keep trying.

It could also be that over recent years I’ve increasingly re-wired the sexual part of my brain so that I am, essentially – and maybe now only – a BDSM slave; so that this is my true nature, and there’s no going back; so that vanilla sex just doesn’t do it for me any more.

If it’s the second alternative, then the implications make me afraid. It would mean that my cock truly is my Master’s (for in his online presence, I do feel aroused), and no longer – even in principle – my bf’s. It would mean accepting that maybe my bf and I don’t have a functioning sexual relationship any more. And what then for the rest of our relationship? Is there enough to sustain a meaningful life together?

And it would mean that I’ve lost my ability to have vanilla sex more generally; that my sexuality has moved definitively outside the normal space of human erotic relationships based on love, to a space based primarily on power. It’s true, I’ve long recognised I do inhabit that second space, but I’d always thought I still also had a place in the first, more human one, too. Now I’m having to think again.