Surrender: that’s what’s at the heart of being a sub. I realised some time ago that my desire to submit feels like something hard wired into maybe the reptilian part of my brain. Yet, perhaps part of the process of coming to know yourself (which hopefully is also part of becoming a better human being) is re-realising what you thought you already knew – but more deeply, or at least with some awareness of the gap between what you thought it meant, and where you’ve actually got to with it.
I’m blathering. What actually prompts me to write this comes out of my own – often breached – resolve to give up cumming merely for my own gratification. In other words, to let go mindless wanking. As I’ve written earlier on, my ideal (as I currently see it) is to cum only for someone else, whether they’re physically present or not – only if they wish it. I think the reason for this is something to do with connection: I want to share the joy of my orgasm with another (as well as – this is the kink ingredient – sharing the joy of them denying me my orgasm, if that’s their choice).
At the moment I’m comfortable with this way of approaching chastity. There are some guys you encounter online who are only happy if they’re committed to (and presumably achieving) months, or maybe even years, of not cumming at all. But I don’t really think I’m one of them. This seems like an over-attachment to a non-orgasmic life. For me there’s equal bliss in being on a plateau of arousal, long term, and the deep release of post orgasmic well-being, especially if orgasm is no longer approached trivially as a daily (or even more frequent) event. Both states good. So for me the aspect of denial is less in being made to put off orgasm endlessly (though I can’t pretend that’s not in my fantasy) and more in the fact that it’s determined by someone else.
So this is what, to me, it means to be a sub – or at least how I’d like it to be, if being a sub is to have some true depth to it, and not just be a self-indulgent kinky lifestyle. I surrender my orgasm – that ecstatic experience which (more than I’d really realised before experimenting with chastity) is such an essential part of being human – to someone else. If that person wants me to cum ten times a day, then I’d try and do that too (having made the judgement in the first place that they’re someone I want an erotic attachment with). If they want me to go for months without cumming, well, maybe I’ll give it a shot (though this would need to be approached through a long period of ‘training’).
Thinking about this recently though, having embarked on another chastity spell, I realised that although I’d grasped the idea of all this, I’m still some way from embracing it in reality. Although it’s only a few days since my last (kind of ruined) orgasm, I’m high on testosterone, and really dying to cum. And still I’m fighting myself: as if cumming were an actual possibility; as if the choice were mine, and not my online keyholder’s.
In one sense of course, it still is my choice. My cock is still physically attached to the rest of me. It’s me who in fact has the keys to my CB. So in practice I can cum any time I damn well please. But I’ve committed to my KH for a month, and he’s in charge; so actually there’s no need to fight myself. If I could truly surrender to what and who I’ve committed to, then the decision about whether, and when, and how many times to cum is literally out of my hands. I sort of feel that idea starting to sink in – like I’m really starting to get it. But still my own ego wants to step in and take back charge of my cock. And then some other bit of myself has to negotiate with it.
Maybe this struggle is understandable. This particular act of surrender is humanly significant because what’s being given up – control over something so personally and intensely pleasurable – is not a trivial thing. Hence the level of self-overcoming needed (no pun intended) is commensurately great. And really I would like this condition to be permanent – a bit like the long-haul orgasm denial guys, but in my case meaning permanently relinquishing my own say in the matter. This would mean also always having someone who would take pleasure in taking control of the matter.
If I could achieve this, maybe it might open the way for other forms of surrender, that may have an even stronger spiritual dimension; and I might – through what some would see as my sexual waywardness – really become a better, less wayward human being.
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